ON CHANGING YOUR MIND The Practice of Loving Kindness
James Ishmael Ford
4 June 2006

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Researchers once gave a plant to every resident of a nursing home. They told half of these elderly people that the plants were theirs to care for – they had to pay close attention to their plants’ needs for water and sunlight, and they had to respond carefully to those needs. The researchers told the other half of the residents that their plants were theirs to enjoy but that they did not have to take any responsibility for them; the nursing staff would care for the plants.

At the end of a year, the researchers compared the two groups of elders. The residents who had been asked to care for their plants were living considerably longer than the norm, were much healthier, and were more oriented towards and connected to their world. The other residents, those who had plants but did not have to stay responsive to them, simply reflected the norms for people their age in longevity, health, alertness, and engagement with the world.
Sharon Salzberg in Loving-Kindness (p. 33)

In her invitation to an authentic and healthful life of discipline and realized connection each of us to the other, Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, Sharon Salzberg comments on that study of nursing home residents given plants. One group is asked to care for the plants, the other only to enjoy them; and how those who had responsibility also found enormous benefits well beyond statistical expectation, experiences of health and a sense of well-being. Sharon observed how “this study shows, among other things the enlivening power of connection, of love, of intimacy.” Today, I want to explore what those assertions might mean for you and me. We’ll explore this, as Sharon has, within the context of an ancient spiritual discipline, but one also easy enough to take on that any one of us can make it our heart’s response to the longing of the world for deeper connection and more authentic living.

I’m very much caught up by the current story of those young Marines who appeared to have murdered in “cold blood” up to twenty-four Iraqi civilians in the town of Haditha. These young men, if they did what is alleged, killing these people including, somehow much worse, horribly, many children, in the confusing, clouding heat that followed the killing of one of their own, there needs to be justice.

Of course there needs to be justice. But, also, I really understand how it could happen. Boys, barely adults, most not adults as I feel the word really means, caught up in the worst of circumstances; filled with fear, overwhelmed by terror, witnessing one of their own senselessly killed, and then wrecking their own horrific vengeance on those nearest at hand. I understand how I could have been there. I could have been one of them, given only the slightest shifts in circumstance and generation. As could any number of us, maybe, probably all of us.

But, oh, that holy “but:” is this our inevitable fate? Are we condemned to an endless cycle of violence until the human species finally kills itself off? Or, are there other options for us? This is the question that really hangs in the air. Well, here’s the good news. I suggest there are other options, other visions, other possibilities. Today, I’d like to explore just one way out of the cycle of violence, of fear, of hatred, of… Well, of our apparent fate, our common destruction, of an end to us.

It appears we human beings are driven by various emotions. Most terrible among these are our sense of aversion, our fear of the other. Then there’s the other side of that coin, just as confusing and destructive, our grasping, our desire to possess, to own, to have. Each of these attitudes is natural as the weather, and if not watched, if not controlled becomes as poisonous as arsenic. Aversion and grasping are rooted in a sense of isolation, of separation. Sadly it is mostly out of this sense of isolation, of one pitched against another, that we arrange our relationships with others both personally and communally.

Among the many spiritual guides who noticed this problem and its possible correction, our sense of separation, our fear and our longing, and a doorway into a different way of seeing; was Gautama Siddhartha, known to the world as the Buddha. My old friend the UU minister Kim Crawford Harvie describes the Buddha’s healing insight as ‘non-separative consciousness,’ She writes how “This is non-separative consciousness (is our intimate) understanding that we are not separate from anything or anyone.” Compellingly for me she concluded that sentence with a point so important that in the sermon in which she wrote it she printed out the text in italics: “Separate is delusion.”

From this non-separative or more traditionally nondual consciousness the Buddha spoke of what he called the “Heavenly Abodes” as our true psychic and emotional home. These abodes are “loving kindness, compassion, joy in the attainment of others and equanimity.” According to the Buddha each of these is an important aspect of our original or natural consciousness. When we don’t cling to one thing or another, when we are neither caught up in fear or desire we seem as naturally as we breathe to manifest loving kindness, compassion, joy in that attainment of others and a profound and abiding sense of equanimity.

Today I want to address just one of these states, the abode of loving kindness, or in its Pali and Sanskrit use, metta. I’ve picked this in particular as there is an ancient spiritual practice that helps us cultivate it. It’s very simple. In fact it is so simple that at first the practice can feel mechanistic. But, I suggest, if one takes it up, it is possible to plumb to the depths of our own authentic experience, to discover what the individual really is, and from that place of discovery to set aside destructive patterns.

One reason for a disciplined approach is how easy it is to miss the goal, to be seduced by what are sometimes called near enemies. It’s a case of mistaking fools gold for gold. UU minister Doug Kraft nicely describes two “near enemies” of loving kindness. “One is attachment, as in… ‘I need you’ or ‘I love it, I want it.’ Metta does not want anything back. The feeling is of loving kindness flowing out with no desire for anything in return. The other state confused with metta is sentimentality. Sentimentality is like a faded Hallmark card: it blurs the reality. It overlooks the harsher elements. It may refuse to see the faults in a person. Metta is not like that. It sees everything very clearly. It does not romanticize. Yet it still wishes the being well.”

So, how to get there? Here I’m going to make an invitation. Let’s try this practice, briefly and see for ourselves. I know this is asking you to suspend disbelief for a moment, and to be willing to try something that for some of us won’t be comfortable. The good news for those disinclined is that it all takes place in the privacy of your mind. If you don’t want to try it, you’ll at least be gifted with a few moments with your own thoughts.

If you decide this is something worth exploring then later try to find a quiet place where you can devote fifteen or twenty minutes a day to the practice. To begin to fully experience its transformative qualities you need to give this practice at least several months. This is a discipline, it takes regularity.

As I’ve already said at first it may feel mechanical, or even phony. Sometimes people experience feelings of irritation or anger. These are positive signs. Such feelings can show you’re cooking, the beginnings of transformation are occurring. Loving kindness meditation is sometimes described as housecleaning. Most of our negative feelings will rise at some point as we try this discipline. Just let it all happen, be accepting, and be kind to yourself. In time this practice can become your greatest helpmate on the way to peace and possibility.

Begin by sitting comfortably, if possible with an upright posture. Relax. It doesn’t matter if your eyes are closed or slightly open. It is not necessary to vocalize. In your mind simply repeat the phrase. You might focus your concentration on your heart while repeating it. Allow yourself to feel the words sinking into your body. Some people find visualizing themselves as a small child being held by their mother or some other loving figure helps. Allow whatever arises to arise. Take a few deep breaths. And recite to yourself.

May I be well. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be filled with joy. May I be at peace and at ease.

This practice may be done for a few minutes, a few days or a number of weeks. When the time is right, think of someone you care deeply for. Perhaps a benefactor or a teacher. Picture that person and recite to yourself.

May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be filled with joy. May you be at peace and at ease.

After a time, maybe minutes, or days, maybe weeks, try this practice with someone for whom you have neutral feelings, perhaps someone you meet at the grocery store, or whom you walk past in the evening. After a time bring into your meditation someone for whom you feel antipathy, perhaps an annoying neighbor or co-worker. Again, after a time, bring into your meditation someone you feel has harmed you or those you love. Do these meditations for as long as you feel it appropriate.

After becoming intimate with this practice, you might decide to begin a period devoting a few minutes to yourself, to someone you deeply love, to someone you feel neutral about, to someone you feel antipathy for and finally to someone you feel has caused you or yours or even the world harm. Then bring the whole world into your meditation of loving kindness

Experience your feelings, notice them, and allow the reality of love to inform everyone. Eventually begin to include others in your meditation. Perhaps you can start with friends or neighbors, maybe include plants or animals. Explore, share your sense of loving kindness as broadly, but also as specifically as possible. In your meditation allow each person or thing named your full attention, give them your wishes of well being and health and loving kindness.

As you’re ready to conclude a period of loving kindness meditation you might end with.

May all be well. May all be happy. May all be free from suffering. May all be filled with loving kindness. May all be filled with joy. May all be at peace and at ease.

This is a simple meditation practice accessible to anyone of any or no specific spiritual perspective. It is based only within the power of love. Its magic comes from the mysterious workings of our human minds, where our aspirations are a seed planted, and the phrases repeated regularly are water and fertilizer, allowing those seeds of hope to germinate, take root and grow; transforming us and possibly the world itself.

Not a bad thing.

Amen.